Before getting into this story – you need to understand how toxic this person is to my life, how toxic a relationship and engagement it was.

Long story short… We were together for years, we used to live together, We were supposed to get married… three months before we would’ve been saying “I do” I walked in on her cheating and we split. I got clean a little while later. She was in and out of my life for a couple of years and made an appearance once again towards the end of last year. All toxic meetings, all toxic conversations and all toxic interactions. This weekend being one of the most recent and instant regrets.

J, she is this bad habit I can’t kick. She wouldn’t stop reaching out and I finally gave in, I answered the call and let her know I had nothing to say and I didn’t want to see her. My family was away and she had driven by once or twice apparently to make sure it was just me. I heard a knock on my door and the dogs all went ape shit, I walk out to the living room and immediately felt my stomach sink to the floor, my heart was in my feet. It was her, there was no smile, there was a look of defeat and shame. I opened the door and asked what she needed, she said “I just need to see you, I just need a moment..Can I come in please?” I was in a moment of weakness, I caved. I stepped to the side and let her follow me to the couch, I said “what’s going on?” She lowered her head, covered her face and cried. I placed my one hand on her back, the other tucked her hair out of her face and said “I’m here, just talk to me.” Regardless of it all, of everything we had been through… it still killed me to see her so distraught.

J laid her head against my shoulder and I leaned in and hugged her, I felt her turn her head up towards me as I felt her tears falling down my neck. She whispered “I can’t tell you how sorry I am, I never should’ve hurt you the way I did.” All of a sudden I could feel her lips press against my neck and I tried to ignore it but there is this energy that comes from her, no matter how toxic… I’m drawn to her. My hand found her chin, I pulled her up into me and we kissed. We were both crying now but never stopped kissing, there is so much toxicity and so much heartbreak between us that it somehow connects us despite each of our own mistakes.

She got up and leaned over kissing me, pulled on my hands, gesturing me to get up. I couldn’t deny her, I couldn’t turn it off – I kissed her the whole way into my room. We laid on the bed kissing as it got more and more intense. She pulled her shirt off over her head and pulled her yoga pants down kicking them off as they got tangled around her ankles. Her body looked exactly as I remembered, the one side of her collar bone poked out further from when she broke it in elementary school. The two moles on her rib cage and one on her hip were still there, the little scar right below her belly button from a slip and fall accident by the pool when she was 14 is still there and still indented. I kissed the entire way down it all remembering every time I kissed there before.

She stopped me just before I started to kiss below her hip, she pulled me back up and asked me to use a toy. I told her to look in the nightstand and see which one she wanted. She rolled over and I just looked at her from head to toe and realized the mistake I was about to make but I couldn’t speak the words to stop it. She turned back around, kissed me softly and then hard. She pushed my shorts down as I kicked them off. J said, “this is all I have wanted with you….” I tuned her out because I knew whatever she was saying wasn’t true or it would just be toxic words.

She leaned in and kissed me once more as I felt her put a part of the vibrating strapless toy in me. It left the actual vibrator out to be used on her. I kissed her back and pushed her back leaning into the headboard. She grabbed my hips and pulled me in to her, I reached down and met her hand, felt how wet she was. I grabbed her hips and pulled her away from the headboard and thrusted my hips into her. She threw her head back and let out a moan I hadn’t heard in years. She leaned her face up to meet mine, kissed me and whispered “faster, harder, please fuck me.” I did what she wanted, She scratched down my back every time I thrusted harder into her. I kept fucking her faster and harder, she grabbed my hand and placed it on her throat. I squeezed the sides and watched as she gripped my wrist pulling me harder on top of her. I felt this anger in myself being let out but almost as if it was despair, years of anger, years of heartache… Our sex had definitely changed, there was rage, anger and hatred in it, there was also heartbreak and tears. She came three times after about an hour of us fucking, I collapsed into her and we both laid there crying, heavy sobs and tears streaming.

Within 15 minutes I told her she needed to go. I told her this can never happen again, this was our closure, this was our last time and we can’t ever see one another again.

This will be the last J post.

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