Unlike a storybook, in life the person we fall in love with is the one that usually hurts us.
Over and over, we will fall in love, commit and then get hurt. As humans, we have no choice but to recognize that people need people no matter what the hurt costs us. Love can be addicting but the HOPE for love is even more addicting. The hardest relationships to walk away from are the toxic ones, no one knows why but the ones that hold us down are the ones with the death grip on our genuine happiness. Those relationships end up becoming loveless, hurtful, self-destructive and dangerous (not always in a physical way.) These types of relationships, they steal your joy and follow you around as if it’s haunting you. That’s not how it’s supposed to be, that’s not love.
There are no “tell-tale” signs that it’s time to go but you know deep down, it’s not meant to be. A relationship that doesn’t thrive, it just becomes a relationship out of habit. You can’t be that afraid of being alone that you stay. I had to become selfish, knowing being alone was better for me than being with you. Selfishness is truly recognizing what you need, mind, body and soul; then doing whatever means necessary to give yourself that.
Those “What If” thoughts pop up in my head constantly, what if we gave it one more shot, what if it would work out this way… what if I hadn’t said that one hurtful thing… At the end of the day, the truth is even if I didn’t say that one thing, even if you knew what I wanted, even when I got sober… We wouldn’t be, we wouldn’t work. I have to look up from the fantasy of what COULD’VE been because it never will be. The fantasy of us is over.
I’m in the thick of healing in more ways than one and that won’t change. While this chapter is closing, I’m working on myself and my goals, knowing another chapter will close eventually and another after that. As long as I keep moving forward and not get caught up in the fantasy of what could be, I’ll be okay.