This weekend has taught me one thing, I’m no longer the life of the party but that’s okay with me. I am going to own this “new life” of mine. My life has gotten quiet, it’s the Holiday season and I had not one but two holiday parties to attend.
The first party, a woman showed up already trashed…I was instantly on edge and a friend of mine noticed and immediately was checking up on me to make sure I was okay. I steered clear of her and while it should’ve been a “wow, I’m so glad that isn’t me” thought; it wasn’t. I am not certain how to explain what I thought or felt in the moment. The night went on and I had a nice time, everyone there knew I don’t drink and were super supportive of it and me.
The second party, was bitter-sweet. Last year I was trying to stop drinking and was about 3 days sober before this same party, I got wasted and don’t really remember that night. So I was already worried and stressing the party before it even began. I had my own car with me, my own way out when I was ready to go. It was fine at first, there were so many people it was just a lot of “hellos” and “how’ve you been”.
As the night went on, everyone was drinking, then the shots started – I felt that ache in the pit of my stomach and I knew, I was done, I knew it was time for me to call it a night. I was torn at first, being surrounded by people I knew and loved and I know they all love and support me. It’s not easy being around that environment just yet I guess (Yes, I know it’s only been 4 months, “it takes time”… I get it.) It doesn’t change that fear of missing out, it doesn’t stop the slight jealousy I get.
My friends have been nothing but supportive and when I told them I was going to call it a night, a couple of people at first were asking “what why so early?” It took a second or two and they realized why I wanted to leave.
During the holidays my sobriety is my priority, so I’ll be treating the holiday’s as if they’re just another regular day – stay in touch with my people and hold a tight grip on my sobriety toolbox. The truth is, if I’m not sober, I’m not the best version of myself. So, my sobriety is the most important thing right now and always.